Julia, you have a beatiful way of expressing yourself, very poetic, very vibrant, very picturesque... even through your pain and anguish you convey humor, wisdom, strength... with frustration, angst, yes, but you are GETTING THROUGH THIS. I *love* the advice Gingerbread said, and wholeheartedly agree!
Take your time, breathe, read, relax, research, breath & relax some more.... this is a PROCESS, a whole new journey with whole new thoughts ready to be opened up... you will feel reborn... It's almost like the guy in 2001: A Space Odyssey... he became newly born at the end of the story but then had no idea what to do with himself! But, "he would think of something." That's the way the book ends. Yet it is really a beginning.
Anyway, you are not alone with this! There are days where I wonder just who the heck I am now and what am I going to do now, and then I realize.... it's a JOURNEY! I'm on a road trip with an open road, wind in my hair, as many detours as I want (or need), or as many straight roads as I wish... (meaning, just keep plugging on, day after day and take things slow!) and every now and again I pull over and stop, take a look around, and realize I've come a long way. :)